Exclusive Uttaradit Interview

Dudley CockRight

Reporting for the Krung Thepster Post

Summary:  Rumor has it that a major class action lawsuit is being prepared for a pattern of quasi-human trafficking and unfair dismissal against foreign teachers in Uttaradit.  As we speak high-powered Thai lawyers are putting the final touches on the legal paperwork and preparing to file the paperwork necessary to blow the cover off what they characterize as an “English-teacher racket” that puts hundreds of thousands of dollars in the pockets of unscrupulous Thai educators while students suffer and native English speaking teachers are deceived and tossed aside like yesterday’s garbage.  In order to understand both sides of the story we have an exclusive interview with a key player in the ripening dispute.

 Dudley CockRight:          Surely you are aware of the impending court case.  Any comments?

Ladyboy Liberator:          Not really.  This is not London, this is Uttaradit.  This is not Melbourne, this is Uttaradit.  Foreigners have no rights here. 

Dudley CockRight:           It is alleged that you do not like foreigners and yet you are responsible for hiring and evaluating them.  Isn’t that something of a double standard?

Ladyboy Liberator:          Nobody here wants foreigners, but they are necessary to run the English programs.

Dudley CockRight:           The students surely must want the native English speaking teachers?

Ladyboy Liberator:          Students are not important.  They do what we tell them.  If they want a degree then they do what we tell them.  And we tell them to keep quiet and if they help us achieve our objectives then maybe we will let them graduate.  If not we will crush them and drum them out of the university.

Dudley CockRight:           What are your objectives?

Ladyboy Liberator:          Money, face, and power.  Today, I am Dean.  Soon I will be Vice President with my own bathroom and a paid car and then maybe President.  The source of all educational power in Uttaradit is English.  Everyone pays big money to learn English and the government gives big grants for English programs.  Power thus depends in large part on English programs.

Dudley CockRight:           So you hire native speaking English teachers to advance your own quest for money and power?

Ladyboy Liberator:          Sure, it is a natural path.

Dudley CockRight:           Sources tell us that your attrition rate for foreign teachers is nearly 95% and that you intentionally make false promises to lure teachers to Uttaradit?  Is this true.

 Ladyboy Liberator:         Of course it is true.  Foreigners think they have rights here.  Just because their countries give rights to immigrants they demand rights here in Uttaradit.  Look, foreigners cannot own land in Thailand.  Foreigners here basically cannot become citizens.  We don’t want foreigners.  So we have to lie to them.  We tell them they will receive a certain salary, certain health benefits, and certain support.  Do we intend to honor these promises?  No, and we have no shame.  We need bodies to parade for the students who pay the money.  Once the foreigner has served this function we are done with them and if they ask us to honor our promises then we get rid of them.  Again, this is Uttaradit.  Foreigners have no rights.  The United Nations and its human rights conventions have no application.

Dudley CockRight:           But this must lead to conflict?

 Ladyboy Liberator:         It frequently does.

Dudley CockRight:           You must face public criticism.  People must become aware of the fact that this is not a good place to work?

Ladyboy Liberator:          This is not a problem.  First, we threaten the foreigners.  If they persist then we have local police threaten to have them arrested or we have immigration threaten to deport them.  This is Uttaradit.  Foreigners are outsiders and have to recognize that they will be crushed if they speak about us negatively or try to warn other foreigners.

Dudley CockRight:           You have punished foreigners in this manner before?  You have threatened to have them arrested and deported for talking about dishonest and illegal practices?

Ladyboy Liberator:          This is Uttaradit.

Dudley CockRight:           You realize that this type of recruiting model, luring human beings under false pretenses and then forcing them to earn you money under threat of arrest or deportation, is human trafficking under United Nations and international definitions and guidelines.  You are trafficking in native English speakers for personal financial and professional gain in much the same way as others traffic in women using prostitution.

Ladyboy Liberator:          Then I am the pimp of Uttaradit and proud of it.  Foreigners have always been outsiders here and they have no rights.  Who cares?  More will come because they are foolish.  More will come and one day I will be sitting in the President’s office laughing hysterically.